I left Greece because I was scared. I am a woman alone. In the camp where I lived, there were fights and other more bad things were happening. I was not feeling safe. I was scared of the men. My sisters were all in Germany. I wanted to be with my family. ....

In Germany one day the police came to the camp where I was living. They told me I had to go back to Greece. I got desperate and scared. I said, I cannot go back. I have nothing there. I will be in the streets. I begged them to let me speak to my sister and to inform her. They said it wasn't possible. I panicked. Then I fainted. They threw water in my face. Then I was handcuffed. They fixed my legs and my head and placed me in a police car. I cried and screamed and they beat me. I was brought to a prison. I was alone in one cell. I couldn’t stop crying. They fixed me on a bed. Tied me up for all the night. One month and more than two weeks I was jailed without having done any crime. I tried several times to hurt myself and end my life. But they wouldn’t let me. I had no more hope. ...

The day I was deported to Greece two police officers travelled with me. I was in handcuffs. In the airport they brought me to the police station. I panicked. I thought I would be detained again. I couldn’t understand what they were saying. They gave me a piece of paper and showed me the door. I only understood: 'Go'. One hour I was standing on the highway. Above me the sky and below me the earth and me alone. I didn’t know where to go and what to do. I called my sister in Germany. She said I should go to the city center. I went to Victoria by taxi. I felt only fear and loneliness. I was under shock. I thought I would be arrested and detained. Until today I have nightmares. I see the police and the jail. My body was shivering and my mouth felt dry. My life is ruled by fear and I cannot even think about what people call life or future.

In Germany I could be myself for the first time. I dressed freely and I put on make-up. I felt safe. Until that morning when the police came at dawn. They only said, take your things. I was brought to the airport and put in an airplane. In Athens the police told me to go. But where I had to go? I had one bag with all my things inside. I went to Omonia. It was night when I reached there. I found myself a place to sleep outside. The next morning when I woke up somebody had stolen my bag and all my things with it. I was back in Greece with empty hands once again. ….

I didn’t know where to go and what to do. No home, no money. I felt like I was dead. I was thinking so much. I thought of myself and of my family back in Pakistan. I was worried and scared. I didn't even have a mask. Police were telling me to leave wherever I would sit or sleep. People were staying home due to Corona and I was staying outside searching for food. From the moment I came back to Greece, I started dressing like a man again. I had no choice. I left Pakistan because my life was threatened for who I am, but here I don’t feel safe too. I don’t feel free either. I cannot even go to the Greek church and ask for some clothes or food if other Pakistanis are around because they’ll think I became a Christian and it will be another reason to harass me. I have to hide who I am inside myself. I can only wear some lipstick behind my Corona mask and hope it won’t put me in danger. I don’t know anymore where to go on this planet to finally be safe.

I left Greece because I was small, alone and I had no place and no help. The asylum service had told me that they’d call me. But they never did. I had no future. My siblings in Germany told me to come to us, we will help you. So I went to my family. …

One morning the police entered my place in Germany. They said I had to go back to Greece. I felt my body heating up like in a fever attack. They brought me to hospital. I stayed there for a few hours. Then they brought me to a prison. I was three days there. I told the police I had no one and nothing to go back to Greece, but they said I had to. I started a hunger strike. Yet, I ended up in an airplane. They sent a doctor with me. In Athens they asked me for my papers. I said I had nothing. They just told me to leave. I didn’t get any information, any paper, nothing. I wrote a post on facebook saying that I was new in Athens, returned from Germany and I had nowhere to stay. One man contacted me and said I could stay in his place. I was scared. I didn’t know him. But I had no choice. He ended up being nice. He said I could stay in his flat for 2-3 days. There were many others staying there. But still it was better than being on the streets. I was afraid, I felt lost, I felt exposed to any kind of people. Until today I am stressed, scared and alone. It is so difficult to be here. I try to arrange for the renewal of my papers. I try to find help. That’s the only thing I am doing since I am back in Greece. Find food, find a place to sleep, find a job. I am a young person who wants to study and work. Here I am a nobody with nothing. No place, no papers, no money, no family, no future - just living from one day to the next.